My life has been completely altered. I’m happy. Isn’t that a funny statement? This girl is happy. The girl with so many problems that the world cannot contain her nor take care of her. But I am. Maybe it’s just a glimpse of what is to come, or it’s possible that it’ll fog up and disappear before my eyes. For fear of that happening, I’ll lather myself in this warmth and drown in my riches.

Tonight you told me that there’s something about me. I know there is. There’s something about you too. A boy living in a different Country, serving in the military. I never meant to meet you. You were just a boy on a website, traveling all over the world; no time for anyone it seems. But you make time for me. We write back and forth, always with so much to say. I’m getting to know you so well. For you to tell me that there is something about me..gives me some sort of hope. Hope that there is a person left in this world who could care about me.

Sometimes I think it’s possible that if I were to meet my father again, that we could somehow connect in that sense that I understand. I know what it’s like to feel completely inadequate. The desire to drug your body and live in a fantasy world that you’ve created in your mind. I know what you’re going through. I know that it’s hard.

I don’t know if he would believe me; that I am genuinely reaching out and wanting to start over. I miss having a dad. Someone who will shelter me, spoil me and love me. I can’t remember the last year that I didn’t frown upon Father’s Day. I just miss him. He messed up, but he’s human.

But then again, this is my intoxicated self speaking. The side that just wants her daddy. Tomorrow when I’m sober, I’ll read this and think what a stupid girl I am.

Last night I laid in bed. The sun was sleeping, while the moon gleamed through my bedroom window. I drugged my body to the point of physical despair. I couldn’t move. I just hovered over my bed, thinking. Half dead. Unspoken. Gleaming with nothing but these pathetic thoughts. There was a point in the night where I had completely forgotten who I was. It never felt more real.

Sometimes I fear that I’m at my breaking point, but something always pulls me out. Lately I’ve been having a bit of desire to hurt myself  again. But there’s this boy..he’s been keeping me sane. The funny thing is, I’m sure he has no idea. I’m only a fly on his wall. But he fascinates me and when we speak, he hits me like waves of passion, honesty and happiness. I live for those moments where I’m waiting for his reply. It’s strange, what he does to me. This drug in disguise. He is my drug. I have the most respect for this boy and he has no idea. He’s in a different time zone, living his life far more enthused than I am. I admire him.